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Security Alert Levels Print E-mail

Circulated soon after the terrorist outrages in July 2005 in London.   

European Alert Levels

The British 

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings.  The
official warning level has just been raised from "miffed" to "peeved."
Soon, though, the levels may be raised yet again to "irritated" or even
"a bit cross." Londoners have not been at "a bit cross" since the Blitz
in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.  Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "tiresome" to "a bloody nuisance."  The last time a
"bloody nuisance" warning level was issued was during the Great Fire in
1666.

The French

Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide."  The only two higher
levels in  France are "surrender" and "collaborate."  The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing their military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. 

The Italians

Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and
excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing." Two more levels remain,
"ineffective combat operations" and "change sides."

The Germans

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance"
to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs".  They have two higher
levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose."

The Americans

Seeing this reaction in Continental Europe, the Americans have gone from
"isolationism" to "find another oil-rich nation in the Middle East ripe
for regime change."  Their remaining higher alert states are "attack the
world" and "beg the British for help."